From Maury Englander
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum where he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor..
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug on his foot fracturing it in several painful places.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa hobbled to the door. He yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The driving manual says that the average driver’s reaction time is .75 seconds… or one car length for every 10 mph. Test your average reaction time. Whether you drive a chopper, a hog, a café racer, a street rod or a chopped lowrider ’50 Merc, you need to have super-quick reactions when it comes to stopping… and not hitting that Yorkshire Terrier in the crosswalk or, in this case, that sheep crossing the road. Test your skills. To play, click HERE and HIT YOUR BRAKES! Careful, it’s addictive.
A NEW PRESPECTIVE
O.K. sports fans. Time to get a grip. The general consensus among our industry is that tattooists are the best artists in the universe (just ask ’em). But have you ever considered the watermelon carvers of the world? Probably not. Just think, if you say to someone, “Hi, I’m a tattoo artist,” they go crazy and start throwing money at you. But say that you are a watermelon carver… silence. No applause, no free drinks, no cute chicks lining up at your door. It’s unfair, I tell you. Totally!
“Tum-te-tum-te-tum. I wonder what I’ll do today? I know, I’ll shop for shoes. Naw. That’s too boring. Hey, maybe I’ll go try the cheeseburgers at that new place on Elm Street. Eh eh, I’m not really that hungry. I know. I have the perfect solution: I’ll get my head tattooed. So what if the National Tattoo Association won’t let me in the doors of their convention. And I bet it doesn’t hurt at all. I mean, how could it? I’m feeling no pain now and I bet that having a tattoo needle grinding and buzzing like a nest full of hornets into my skull for three or four five-hour sessions is a piece of cake. I’m over eighteen and can do any damn thing I want. Now, where’s that money I was saving for a down payment on a condo?”
MORAL: Don’t drink and drive (especially to the nearest tattoo parlor).
MORAL #2: There are people on this planet who have a hundred times more tolerance for pain than we do.
NUNS WITH TATTOOS
Even though the thought of “women of the cloth” having the vanity and brazen boldness to go against the very word of the Holy Book itself and decorate themselves with tattoo body art seems impossible to comprehend, the dedicated researchers and “body art detectives” at Tattoo Road Trip have risked castigation and, yes, even excommunication from both society and the Holy Mother Church itself by uncovering, after years of relentless investigation, a significant number of highly secret, coded documents sequestered for decades by the highest of the hierarchy of the Vatican itself, that confirm, without an iota of doubt, a significant proliferation of tattoo art among the most pious and innocent females of them all, the blessed, the tireless and charitable, the vulnerable and chaste …